I’m going back in after 4 years on the bench and an 8 year marriage.
Equal parts excitement and uncertainty, my heart swells with longing one moment and recoils in fear the next. Night sweats and ecstasy have replaced sleep.
Exotic, vibrant, impassioned, unexpected – and yet familiar, like a deja vu + destiny cocktail.
Even the timing feels right as this season in my life has been marked by both renewal and promise.
She is smart, driven, caring, rational and stunning. She doesn’t need me, she chooses me. Disagreements become opportunities to discover one another. I wouldn’t change anything about her yet she seeks feedback.
I took the opportunity to introduce her to my brother and his wife over the Christmas holiday to rave reviews. My close friend KT is supportive, and she never holds back 😉
So what am I afraid of?
It would be easy to try and explain my fear as something related to inadequacy, but that’s not it – for the first time in my life I can honestly say I understand my own value. I’m not in it out of desperation, loneliness, or any other form of dysfunction that I am aware of.
I think I’m fearful of two things: my past and my future.
My past because, despite ongoing therapeutic progress, I still occasionally allow historical traumas to dictate present behavior. Being a psychiatrist she is understanding of my struggle but everyone has their limits, and rightly so.
My future because, now more than ever, I can see my full potential and the path towards it. No more excuses; no more settling. It’s scary to have something to lose.
In previous relationships this dichotomy would have been too much, I would have ran, but not this time.
This time I’m staying put – I’m going to see this through.
After all, the solution seems obvious enough – when the past is dead and the future unknown, one should focus on the present; right?
Just two individuals connected in the moment.
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